A Thousand Little Deaths

So I've been in kind of a funk the past couple of weeks.  Someone said something that really hurt.  It was unfair (though maybe not entirely untrue).  But the way they said it, and the time they said it was so wrong it lessened my respect for them. And it wasn't a little comment, it became a rant.  And others joined in.  And friends sat in silence.  Yeah. Painful. Hence the funk.

I've been holding my 'righteous indignation' like a comforting teddy bear.  It didn't actually make me feel any better; I just thought it did.  I had daydreams about what I would say to these people next time I see them.  (You know, the scenarios where you have the perfect come-back or the most generous forgiveness??)  I had to force myself to go places I thought they might be.  I'd rather be anywhere else. 

But after a couple of 'funky' weeks, I'm even irritating myself.  This has to stop.  

So yesterday, I decided to pick up a really good book I hadn't finished yet.  I found my bookmark and began to read...and experienced that sweet, Holy Spirit 'slap in the face'. The kind of 'ouch' that comes when you realize you've been wrong, but you didn't see it until this moment.  The one that shows you how your 'righteous indignation' has been anything but righteous.  The 'sweet slap' where you are convicted but not condemned.  That's when I know it's the Holy Spirit.  Only He can do that.  And He's really good at it.

I've been holding onto that perceived injustice like a badge of honor.  And I have to let it go. What they said was still unfair.  Their timing and tone was still wrong.  But the way I've let it color my feelings about the whole group has been wrong of me.  I'm learning I have to go back to my Father and ask Him to remind me what is true: about the situation, about those people, about me.  I have to remember that I have been crucified with Christ - and I no longer live, but He lives in me.  I've already died to worrying about what other people think of me.  But today I die to that again.  And knowing me, I'll have to die to it again tomorrow. I'll have to die a thousand little deaths until I can embrace the new life God has for me.

But more than anything, I want to say "Yes" to that life.  So I have to let this go.  I have to forgive.  I have to ask God what in their words rings true? Why did it hurt so much? What is He wanting to deal with in me?